- The Omnipotent God
The main consequence of letting God rule and reign over your life is that you can’t anymore. Whether you see that as unfortunate or fortunate is up to you and your story, and where you’ve placed God in or over it.
So let me say this, as blatantly and as boldly as I can, it was not the plan for me to be a (part time, full time, kinda-some-uh-the-time) working parent. It was not my (initial) dream. I was not twiddling my thumbs idly waiting for an opportunity to come. I was not discontent with being “just a Mom” or feeling like I was wasting my time by raising my delightful children. I left my admin job on July 2nd, 2012, and my first thought was “I am so excited to not work for forty more years”. Book closed, commutes abandoned, arms open to the days of child-rearing ahead! And so the story goes…
I had my first baby and in the words of award-winning, local midwife, Nancy Wainer (and probably countless others), “the midwife inside of me was born the day that I gave birth at home”. I am going to share more on this explicitly, but having Marin was the most monumental and spiritual moment of my lifetime. God lit a desire in my heart that has not gone away, no matter how hard I’ve tried to put it out or hide it, no matter how many times I’ve handed Him my carefully laid out agenda. That fire is there, and I wrestle constantly with the timing and possibilities for it coming to fruition. But it is my deepest belief that wherever God takes me in life, and in this specifically, He is going to use me to blaze a trail in the most unique, God’s-about-do-something-big kinda way.
When I began this 28th year, I was starting to teach Bradley childbirth classes. Another provisional instructor reached out, and when we met, she mentioned another affiliated teacher who I hadn’t yet heard of. She encouraged me to reach out to her and I did. At 8 months pregnant, Rebecca happily met with me and it is the utter grace of God that she was not only generous with her time, but that she willingly referred her students to me to attend their births. I had casually mentioned that I was hoping to attend some hospital births to benefit my teaching, and by the end of that evening, I had two referrals for doula clients. Our conversations and meet-ups and chemistry continued and it has now blossomed into a doula partnership and friendship with someone who is in more ways than work, out of my league.
I have said this about my husband, and I’ll say it about this – if I had tried to make it happen, it never would have. When I wasn’t forcing things to work out the way that I’d planned, they fell into my lap in the most God-alone-did-this kind of way. I couldn’t take credit for this happening if I tried. It felt like if I didn’t take this opportunity, I was clearly not trusting God with the next step in this journey. So I am choosing to trust Him, getting my feet wet, and taking it one prayerful decision at a time. Things like childcare and working together with Rebecca have just-about-effortlessly fallen into place which is my consistent confirmation that I’m moving in the right direction.
So while I know in my heart, I want to be primarily focused on mothering now and hope to be a midwife one day, I’m choosing to trust and let go of the plan I’d laid out neatly for myself four years ago. As I navigate this story inside the greater Story, I am more content with having the faith to take each day as it comes without knowing the bigger picture. I learned at a Mompreneur event that keeping my passion lit, by investing what I can now to keep it ablaze, is all it takes to be open to the next door God cracks open. I don’t know what that balance will look like with young children and a marriage to care for, and I am suspicious it doesn’t exist, but I know that all I’m doing now matters deeply to me and that I am grateful for what God has given me to do today. And for me, on most days, that’s enough information to make it until tomorrow without complaint.
So that’s that. 28 was seriously a great year where I truly felt the Lord’s Hand guiding and caring for me in what could feel utterly terrifying if I didn’t just embrace it as the adventure it is. God gave me new, exciting opportunities, I got to experience toddler Isaac which is just about the cutest (and scariest) thing ever, I got to go away with Mike to Vermont for a weekend, God continued to add to our neighborhood and build a wonderful community within walking distance, I got to see Marin’s friendships bloom, I learned how to budget wisely, and I felt the faithfulness of God in his preparation and purposes for my life. I am grateful for another year and I hope to not take one day of this life, or this coming year, for granted – even if it doesn’t start with organic, grass-fed pasture raised collagen peptides in my coconut milk coffee. I truly cannot wait to see what God has for me between now and the big 3-0.